The Non Celebrity News

Forgive me as I interrupt my steady flow of celebrity bullshit to report on some fascinating (or simply fucked up) news stories about normal people. Okay, so they are not exactly normal people or else I wouldn't be writing about them. And this isn't exactly news, if you wanted news you wouldn't be reading this shit. Here we go.




Tired of being short? There is a newly developing elective surgery to lengthen your legs. It's quite simply done by breaking a bone in the leg, adding a medal rod in between the broken parts, and waiting as the rod expands.

It's no different than getting a nose job, fake boobies or getting some fat sucked out.
I suppose I am opposed to all elective plastic surgery. Perhaps it began when my mother decided she wanted bigger boobies when she was 40 years old.

Growing up, I had to learn to not care what other people thought. Learn to love what your features, no matter what the haters say. And for the haters...


Now, on to a man who is short and proud. Chandra Bahadur Dangi, 72, proudly came forward as 22 inches, making him the shortest man on record.


All I can say is, I want one for Christmas. We all know I hate animals, put this is my ideal pet. It's like getting a new puppy that doesn't need to be potty trained (he fits into diapers!)

Adelema: The Grammy Winners I just can't stand

The latest Grammy Award show took place on Sunday, with Adele winning six awards, matching Beyonce's record for most Grammy's won in one night for a female artist. She took home gold in the three major categories: album, record and song of the year.

So why do I dislike Adele so much?



First off, allow me to clarify that it has nothing to do with her weight. I have no problem with fat people. My father always tought me to appreciate some added cushion.

Anyways, I recall listening to Adele's latest album shortly after it was released. I thought, wow she has a good voice. I never listened to that album again. That album is so boring, it will put you asleep faster than Chip after a martini and a bottle of Nyquil. On top of the extreme boredom, I realized how much I hate English accents.

Oh, and then there's Chris Brown.


I was trying to figure out why I hate Chris Brown, who won a Grammy on Sunday. I don't think I'm still mad about him beating Rihanna. I forgave him a couple months ago for that. After hearing "We Found Love" 34,568 times in a two month span I realized that I too wanted to slap her a bit.

(Just kidding. Shit I Say Sober does not condone violence in any form. Peace, love, drugs and alcohol are what we stand for)

Then it hit me. Chris Brown is just a crazy douche.
End of story.

Another one bites the dust..

After I heard about the death of Whitney Houston, I scrolled through my massive catalog of music to see how many of her tunes I owned. Two. In that case, I don't care that she died, she wasn't producing shit for me.




That was me being harsh. It's always sad when someone dies. However, there are two points to be made. 1) We all should have known she has been on her death bed for years now, so we shouldn't be surprised. 2) Unless you are a true fan of hers, and you were anticipating her next album, don't pretend you care that she's dead.

We knew Houston has been cracked out for ages. Infact, the week before she died, there was atleast one tabloid claiming "Whitney is dying." No shit. Drugs are bad, mmmkay.

It's annoying seeing all of the RIP statuses on Facebook. I'm sure 90 percent of people who posted about Houston on Facebook can't name a single song of hers other than "I Will Always Love You" (a song which was originally a Dolly Parton song). To Whitney's true fans, friends and family, I am truly sorry for your loss, which is why I staged a photo shoot in her honor.



What's six inches long and didn't get sucked on this Valentine's day?

Whitney's Houston's crack pipe.

RIP

This week in food..

First off, fuck you McDonald's.
It was announced recently that McDonald's stopped use of a pink slime in their "meat." Ammonium hydroxide is a chemical that is used in cleaning products and was used in happy meals. Okay so I suppose you should know you're not exactly getting top notch quality cuisine. Though this poison is no longer in use, there's no doubt tons of other chemicals are injected into their shit meat. One tip America; Subway, eat fresh.




Next, Jay Leno says he hasn't eaten a vegtable since the 1960's, and the last time he ate an apple was 1984. When First Lady Michelle Obama visited him on his NBC late night show, she got him to munch on an apple and a veggie pizza. So what is his lazy ass eating? Seriously Jay, eating some fucking broccoli from time to time will do you some good. Stop collecting cars and go for a walk every once in awhile.

You're not off the hook Obama. Stop trying to get people to eat healthy, you're annoying. You don't even know what healthy food is. Just because there's some eggplant on a pizza, doesn't make it healthy. Apples and honey is only a good snack choice if you're trying to overdose on sugar. But good job on staying in shape, it only decreases Barrack's chances of sleeping with an intern, or Haley Marx.



Speaking of African Americans and food, Nicki Minaj's backstage tour demands were recently released. Several buckets of fried chickens wings (no thighs), twelve bottles of apple juice, half of them iced and half room temperature, red bull, two dozen roses, etc. etc. etc. One word; bitch. Luckily, all that chicken wing fat is going straight to her boobies.


All this food talk has me salivating.
Until next time. Adios.